Sadness Flies Away
by XXforget-x-me-x-notXX
Summary: Kyle always seemed so happy, to his family and friends. Truth is, he never was. COMPLETE
1. Dark Blue

**Random and slightly pointless introduction: **Well, I'm back to writing emo stories. This is really similar to "Till It's Gone," my Cartman story, but this time, it's about Kyle. His way of having a last day on Earth is a lot different then Cartman's. Anyway, I did the song thing again. Every chapter will be a different song. Why? Because I feel like writing another one like that. Deal with it.

Oh, and they're in 12th grade. I had to clarify that because it's only hinted once.

**Warning: **Contains swearing and suicidal themes. Don't like, don't read.

_**----------------------------------------------------------------**_

_**I have, I have you breathing down my neck (breathing down my neck)**_

I woke up with tears in my eyes. Do I seriously cry in my sleep? It really wouldn't surprise me, but it just annoyed me. Why did I have to be such a stupid pussy? Wasn't Stan supposed to be the sensitive one? That's what I always thought, anyway.

_**I don't, don't know what you could possibly expect under this condition so...**_

__I fell out of bed and got ready for school. I wore my favorite shirt, my favorite jeans, my favorite shoes, etc. I did my hair as best I could. Then I stuffed my old hat that I never wear any more into my backpack. Today was my last day of living, and I wanted the whole day to be beautiful and perfect.

_**I'll wait, I'll wait for the ambulance to come, ambulance to come**_

__I walked to the bus stop and saw my three best friends waiting there. Kenny looked dead, he was so tired. Cartman was finishing up some math homework. Stan was happily texting. I smiled and let out a long sigh. "Hey, guys."

_**Pick us up off the floor**_

__Kenny groaned. "Not so loud."

_**What did you possibly expect under this condition so**_

__Stan tore his eyes away from his phone. "Hey, dude."

_**Slow down... this night's a perfect shade of**_

__Cartman glanced up. "Can't talk. Must multiply."

_**Dark blue, dark blue**_

__I looked at Kenny with worry. "Dude, you look really tired. Want my coffee?" I held it out to him.

_**Have you ever been alone in a crowded room when I'm here with you**_

__He nodded rapidly. "Oh my God, Kyle, thank you. So, so much."

_**I said the world could be burning, burning down**_

__I laughed. "No problem, dude." I looked over at Stan. "Who you texting?"

_**Dark blue, dark blue**_

__"Wendy," he said, sounding annoyed.

_**Have you ever been alone in a crowded room well I'm here with you**_

__"Relationship problems?" I asked. He nodded. "Well, why don't you just break up with her already? I know you don't really like her, and besides, won't it save so much time and energy?"

_**I said the world could be burning 'til there's nothing but dark blue..**_

__Stan grinned. "Dude, you're totally right. I don't need or deserve this hassle."

_**Just dark blue**_

__I smiled. "That's the spirit, Stan."

_**This flood, this flood is slowly rising up swallowing the ground**_

__Meanwhile, Cartman looked like he was in a panic. I smiled at him sympathetically. "Need some help there, Eric?"

_**Beneath my feet, Tell me how anybody thinks under this condition so**_

__He stiffened, probably because I called him Eric. "Sure..." he said slowly, and unsurely.

_**I'll swim, I'll swim as the water rises up, the sun is sinking down**_

__I sat down in the snow next to him and explained the things he didn't understand as best as I could. When the bus came, we all sat in the back. There was Stan on the window seat, me on the aisle, and across the aisle was Cartman, then Kenny. I kept helping Eric with the math on the bus.

_**----------**_

_**And now all I can see are the planets in a row**_

__Well, that's it. All day I was overly nice, helped people out, and thanked the teachers for their help. There's only a few things left to do. I pulled out my cell phone and typed in Eric Cartman's cell phone number.

_**Suggesting it's best that I slow down**_

__"Hello?" said his voice.

_**This night's a perfect shade of**_

__"H-hey, Eric," I replied, my voice trembling from the threatening tears.

_**Dark blue, dark blue**_

__"Kyle?" He sounded confused.

_**Have you ever been alone in a crowded room when I'm here with you**_

__"Eric, you know that you're one of my best friends, right?" Tears slipped out of my eyes and through my eyelashes.

_**I said the world could be burning, burning down**_

__"Um, I guess... What's with you? You've only called me Eric all day, and you're acting really weird," he replied slowly.

_**Dark blue, dark blue**_

__I didn't answer his question. "Eric, I don't tell you this enough, but I love you, man. You really are one of my best friends. I know we rarely get along, but... You still mean a lot to me, okay?" I managed to get out without giving away the fact that I was crying.

_**Have you ever been alone in a crowded room well I'm here with you**_

__"This sounds really gay..." he paused. "But I love you, too, dude. You're one of my best friends, Kyle."

_**I said the world could be burning dark blue**_

__I smiled. "I'm glad. Bye, Eric Cartman."

_**We were boxing**_

__I hung up and called Kenny.

_**We were boxing the stars**_

__"Hey," he answered.

_**We were boxing, we were boxing**_

__"Kenny, hey, it's Kyle," I responded.

_**You were swinging for Mars**_

__"Oh, hey, Kyle. What's up?" he said cheerily.

_**And then the water reached the West Coast**_

__"Kenny, I'm really proud of you," I said softly, tears rolling down my face.

_**And took the power lines, the power lines**_

__There was a few seconds of confused silence. "Um, thanks?"

_**And it was me and you (this could last forever)**_

"Really, dude, I am. Everyone seemed to think you'd just become your dad. But you're going to college next year, and I'm really, really proud," I paused, but he didn't say anything, so I just kept going. "And Kenny? You know I love you, right? You're one of my best friends, and life wouldn't be the same without you."

_**And the whole town under water**_

__A little more silence. "I love you, too, Kyle," he replied slowly. "Is something wrong?"

_**There was nothing we could do**_

__"No, I'm fine. Bye, Kenny McCormick," I sighed quietly and hung up. I pressed my speed dial number one.

_**It was dark blue**_

__"Hello?" Stan's voice came on the other end.

_**Dark blue, dark blue**_

__"Hi, Stan," I said, almost sobbing at this point.

_**Have you ever been alone in a crowded room well I'm here with you**_

__"Is something wrong?" He sounded alarmed.

_**I said the world could be burning, burning down**_

__"No, don't worry about it. I just called to tell you that... You mean so much to me, Stan. So, so much. I love you, dude. You're really the best friend a guy could ask for..." I paused. "I don't know what I would do without you. You're like family to me."

_**Dark blue (dark blue)**_

__I could almost hear his smile. "Thanks, dude. I love you, too, and I don't know what I would do without you either."

_**Have you ever been alone in a crowded room well I'm here with you**_

__A wave of guilt swept over me. "I'm sorry, Stan. Goodbye, Stan Marsh..."

_**I said the room could be burning now there's nothing but dark blue**_

__After I hung up, I went and kissed my parents goodnight, something a normal seventeen year old wouldn't normally do. But I could hardly count as "normal." I walked to Ike's room, said goodnight to him, and gave him a hug. After that, I walked back into my room and scribbled down five letters. When I was done, I put them into envelopes labelled _Stan Marsh, Kenny McCormick, Eric Cartman, Bebe Stevens, _and _Ike and Mom._

_**If you've ever been alone in the dark blue**_

__I walked into the bathroom and filled the bathtub until it was almost spilling over the top. I climbed into the water and lay down. The last thing I did was pull the heavy boulder I had brought in onto my chest.

_**If you've ever been alone you'll know, you'll know**_

__The weight pushed down on me, not allowing me to move at all. I couldn't breathe, and I smiled. I didn't think of my friends or family, I only thought about how these were my very last moments on Earth. I opened my eyes underwater, and the last thing I ever saw was **dark blue**.


	2. Imperfection

**Random and slightly pointless introduction: **Poor Ike. He's traumatized, I bet. For life probably. Anyway. I hope you like it. It gives a few reasons _why _Kyle killed himself. Thanks to those of you who reviewed, it made me so happy. I like reviews. Even when they're critical (while still being polite and nice of course. I don't like meanness.). Because it means that people are reading the things I write!!

I'm sorry about the song. I tried and tried and tried to find one that was perfect. Sorry. But the line "drowning in your imperfection" really matched it, I think.

**Warning: **Suicide and mild swearing (not in this chapter.)

_**-------------------------------------------------------------------------**_

_**You're worth so much**_

__I poured myself a bowl of cereal and glanced at the clock. It was 7:30. Kyle was going to be late if he didn't get up soon. After all, his bus comes at 8 o'clock. My mom voiced my thoughts, "Ike, go wake your brother, or he'll be late."

_**It'll never be enough**_

__I nodded and abandoned my breakfast. "Kyle?" I called, knocking on the door. No answer, so I opened the door. Weird, the lights were all on... I noticed his bathroom door was opened. "Kyle?" I called again, stepping into his bathroom.

_**To see what you have to give**_

__Water was splashed across the floor. A few envelopes were placed by the sink, but I ignored them and turned around. The bathtub was full of water. It was hazy, but I could tell something was in the water. I took a few steps forward and I saw his face. The shock overwhelmed me. My own screams echoed against the walls as I backed into the sink.

_**How beautiful you are **_

__I wanted to leave, I wanted to run out of there and never come back. But I couldn't. I couldn't pull my eyes away from the gleaming water. I didn't even blink. It was impossible for me to stop staring, it was just impossible.

_**Yet seem so far**_

__My throat hurt from screaming, but I hardly even heard the sounds. I slid down to the ground and clutched my knees. Tears fell uncontrollably down my cheeks. Some of my shrieks broke into pathetic and hysterical sobs.

_**From everything you're wanting to be**_

__"Ike! Ike, what is it?" My mom ran into the room in a panic and looked at me with intense worry in her eyes. "Deep breaths, Ike, what's wrong?" she pressed.

_**You're wanting to be **_

__I didn't look at her or say anything. I pointed at the bathtub, shaking vigorously. I was in hysterics, my head throbbing from my own crying. The screams has faded, and all I could do was bawl and whimper miserably and pitifully.

_**Tears falling down again **_

__My mom slowly turned her head and I saw her eyes grow twice they're normal size. She started hyperventilating, her breaths coming out uneven. She blinked several times rapidly, as if trying to blink away the horrible sight.

_**Tears falling down**_

__Then I guess it hit her. An ear splitting scream shattered through the house.

----------

_**You fall to your knees **_

__After about an hour-long breakdown, my mom finally called the cops, and I calmed down. Enough to stop looking at the tub and get up, at least. Then I saw the envelopes again. I bit my lip and tentatively reached out to them, before grabbing them as quick as I could.

_**You beg, you plead**_

__I looked at the top one. It was labelled _Kenny McCormick _in big block letters. The next one _said Stan Marsh. _The third envelope had _Eric Cartman _written across the front. The fourth said _Bebe Stevens, _and finally, the last one had my name on it. Not only my name, it also said _Mom. _

_**Can I be someone else**_

__"Uh, Mom?" I said quietly. She didn't respond, but I'm not entirely sure how loud I said it. "Mom!" I repeat.

_**For all the times I hate myself?**_

__"What, Ike?" she said softly, without turning.

_**Your failures devour**_

__"Look what I found," I replied, holding out the five letters.

_**Your heart in every hour**_

__She turned around, mascara spread all over her cheeks and eyes. "Letters?" she mumbled.

_**You're drowning in your imperfection**_

__"One of them has our names on it," I murmur. I pulled out the envelope and offer it to her.

_**You mean so much**_

__She tore it open and pulled out a piece of paper. We both read it in silence:

_**That Heaven would touch**_

___Hey, Mom. Hey, Ike._

_**The face of humankind for you **_

___I'm really sorry, I truly am. But I just couldn't take it anymore. It started when Dad died. We got the news that he was in an accident, and that he wasn't going to make it through. Mom, ever since then, you've expected me to take Dad's place._

_**How special you are **_

___I'm not Dad. You know I'm not. You thought I would do everything that Dad did. When he took Ike places, or taught him to play baseball, you assumed I would just do that automatically. That's fine, Mom, but it was a lot of pressure._

_**Revel in your day**_

___And then you decide you wanted me to be a lawyer? I repeat, I'm not Dad, and I'll never be Dad. Or, I wasn't Dad. And of course I can't ever be him because now I'm dead. _

_**Your fear for me is wonderfully made **_

___Mom, why did you even want me to be like Dad so much? Did it ease your guilt? That's sick, Mom. We were all sad when he died, but I'd never follow his footsteps. _

_**You're wonderfully made**_

___Why couldn't you have just let him go? Yeah, he was your husband, and my dad, and Ike's dad... sort of. But he was dead, and you can't recreate him._

_**Tears falling down again**_

___Moving on. You always pressured me about how Ike was a genius, and he's so much smarter than I was at his age. Well, I know that, Mom. And I honestly did try, believe it or not. That's how I got number one in my class. I was going to be valedictorian, too. But you were too absorbed in how much better Ike was. Nothing I ever did was good enough for you. Well, I'm sick of never living up to your expectations._

_**Come let the heat begin**_

___And you never had the time for me. Sure, if I did something wrong, you could make the time. But if I needed help on my history homework, I was on my own. Or if I was going on a date, you wouldn't ask me about the girl, or give me girl advice._

_**You fall to your knees**_

___Did you even know that I had a girlfriend? She has her own letter. Her name is Bebe Stevens. Have you ever met her? I'll answer that. No. No you haven't met her. Ike has, though. Remember that, Ike? Bebe invited you to come hang out with us. You liked her._

_**You beg, you plead**_

___Mom, you don't realize this, but right now, I have C's and D's in all my classes. Do you know why? Because I stopped caring. I know now that no matter how hard I try, you would just never be proud of me. _

_**Can I be someone else **_

___On a really hard Calculus test, I was the only person that got a perfect score. And I told you that. I thought I had done pretty well. Do you remember that? After I told you, all you said was: "That's nice, sweetie. Can you go pick up your brother from baseball? He's the star player, you know."_

_**For all the times I hate myself? **_

___Sorry, Ike. I keep bringing you into my rant to Mom. I want you to know that none of this is your fault. Don't feel guilty for being better than me at everything. You aren't to blame, trust me. A lot of people would feel resentment if they had a brother like you, but I've always been proud of you._

_**Your failures devour**_

___Sometimes I wish you had been my real brother. You know I bragged to my friends about you sometimes? I always told them, "Hey, guess what? My brother's soccer team won their last game, 8 to 0, and Ike scored all the goals." They got annoyed. It was pretty funny._

_**Your heart in every hour **_

___And Mom, don't take this as me blaming you. It's more like I'm disappointed. Particularly that you never noticed that I had starting acting different. I looked it up, I have all the symptoms of bipolarity, depression, and paranoia. I chose this instead of dealing with those problems._

_**You're drowning in your imperfection**_

___I feel like I sound like I'm blaming you, Mom. Don't take it the wrong way, it's not your fault, don't worry about it._

_**You're worth so much**_

___I'd really feel awful if I made either of you feel guilty. I don't mean to, really. I hope I didn't. I know you both cared about me, and it kills me to think it would hurt you. _

_**So easily crushed**_

_Ha. "Kills me." Bad choice of words.___

_**Wanna be like everyone else**_

___Oh, by the way, I want to be cremated. Burn me and scatter my ashes all over South Park. Have Kenny, Cartman, Stan, and Bebe help. Don't forget out backyard, and my old treehouse. _

_**No one escapes**_

___Mom, distribute the ashes EVENLY. A portion for you, for Ike, for Stan, for Bebe, for Kenny, and for Cartman. Even Cartman should have the same amount as everyone else. And don't go in groups. Split up completely. _

_**Every breath we take**_

___This is getting to be a little morbid. Mom, don't give my friends the letters. I want Ike to. After school, so you can give it to them in person, okay? Don't tell them I killed myself, just hand them the letters and tell them it's important._

_**Dealing with our own skeletons, skeletons**_

___This probably seems a bit out-of-the-blue. It's not. I've been thinking about suicide for years. Let me guess- you, not unlike everyone else, thought I was fairly happy. Well, let me just say this once:_

_**Tears falling down again **_

___I wasn't happy._

_**Teas falling down**_

__I stopped reading for a moment. This was just too much for me to handle. My big brother, not only dead, but by taking his own life. I looked up to him. Always. I wanted to be like him. He had great friends- you know, besides Eric.

_**You fall to your knees **_

__He was never jealous. He was always happy for other people, he didn't envy them at all. He was so nice, so smart, so lovable. I had always wished that he was my real brother. I wanted to be able to say that I had the same blood pumping through my veins as him, my very own idol.

_**You beg, you plead**_

__He could have told me that he was unhappy. I would've wanted to help him, I would've encouraged him to get help... Why didn't he just tell me? He... he was my brother... My best friend.

_**Can I be someone else**_

___Sometimes I think I should've gone into acting. I could fake any emotion. Any at all, you name it. I faked being happy to just about everyone. I faked anger to Cartman because it amused him. I faked sympathy and sadness for Kenny and Stan when they were going through hard times. _

_**For all the times I hate myself?**_

___Everyone always thought I was so perfect, so genuine. They were completely wrong. Eric probably has more honesty in his soul than me. _

_**Your failures devour**_

___If there is a Heaven, you won't see me there._

_**Your heart in every hour**_

__I stopped again. I don't believe that. I _refuse _to believe that. Kyle was the most amazing person. If he doesn't get into Heaven, no one should. He was such a great person, why was he the only one that couldn't see that?

_**You're drowning in your imperfection**_

___If there is an afterlife, and I get into the same place as Dad, I'll say hi to him for the two of you. I'll let him know how much you missed him and loved him. I promise._

_**Won't you believe it? **_

___One last request: move out of that house. I died in the bathtub, and we all know how empty it felt after Dad died. Just get somewhere smaller. Two bedrooms. You know, something like that. Two people in that big house just seems kind of lonely. _

_**Won't you believe it?**_

___Is that all I have to say? Or, rather, write._

_**All the things I see in you**_

___Ike, just remember, if I end up in Heaven, I'll look over you. No matter what, I'll always be proud of you. You couldn't have been closer to me if you were my real brother, trust me._

_**You're not the only one**_

___Mom, I love you. Don't forget that. You were a great mother, despite your tendencies to be slightly insane, and I wouldn't have changed you one bit. Take good care of Ike._

_**You're not the only one **_

___Farewell. I love you, and I'll miss you._

_Kyle_

_**Drowning in imperfection...**_

__I don't understand it. He seemed to hate himself at some points in his final letter. Did he realize that he was the complete opposite of **imperfection**?


	3. Perfect World

**Random and slightly pointless introduction: **This one was hard to write. I don't know why, I thought it would be the easiest. It is the letter to his _best friend _after all. Shouldn't it be easy to think of something to say to your best friend?

Oh well. At least I managed to finish it. I'm not exactly proud of it, but I worked really hard on it. So here it is.

**Warning **Suicidal themes. Duh. If you're at this point in the story, and you haven't realized that, you must be really dense. Sorry.

_**-------------------------------------------------------------------**_

_**I never could've seen this far**_

I stood at the bus-stop with Kenny and Cartman. The bus would be here any second, where was Kyle?

_**I never could've seen this coming**_

"Hey, Stan, do you know where Kyle is?" Kenny asked, his voice small and worried, very different than his normal loud, happy, carefree way of talking. This voice sounded heavy, and almost dark.

_**Seems like my world's falling apart**_

I bit my lip. "I don't know, man."

_**Yeah**_

Eric looked at his shoes. "I'm worried about him. I got a really weird call from him last night... Telling me how I'm one of his best friends and shit like that."

_**Why is everything so hard?**_

I almost felt my eyes flash. "Yeah, I got a call, too. It sounded like he was crying."

_**I don't think I can deal with the things you said**_

Kenny glanced at me from the corner of his eyes. "He called me, telling me how proud he was. It was... really unlike him. Dude, what if something happened?"

_**It just won't go away**_

Cartman looked like he was trying to calm himself down. "Let's not panic. You know how the Jew can't handle alcohol. Maybe he was wasted. Maybe he has a hangover. That would explain the calls and the absence."

_**In a perfect world**_

"I hope you're right, Cartman," I sighed slowly. The thing was, Kyle didn't sound drunk over the phone. His words weren't slurred, and he doesn't cry when he's drunk.

----------

_**This could never happen**_

School went by exceptionally slow today. I ran home and put away my stuff. I decided I would head over to Kyle's, to see why he wasn't there today. He rarely skips, but it does happen sometimes. Maybe that was it. It still wouldn't explain the weird call, but sometimes Kyle can be unpredictable.

_**In a perfect world**_

As I was walking downstairs, ready to go, the doorbell rang. I opened the door, and to my surprise, saw Ike standing there. His ice-blue eyes were red and puffy, as if he had been crying. His hair was a mess. Black locks hung everywhere. His clothes looked dirty, and wet, too. He was clutching some paper, as if hanging onto it for dear life. He just looked like a complete wreck.

_**You'd still be here**_

"Ike?" I said in surprise. "What's wrong, what happened?"

_**And it makes no sense**_

He didn't answer me. He just stuck out his hand. He was holding an envelope that said my name on it in big letters. "It's from Kyle," he mumbled. "It's important."

_**I could just pick up the pieces**_

I didn't take it out of his hands. "Actually, I was about to head over to see Kyle anyway. He can tell me whatever he has to in person."

_**But to you**_

Ike's eyes watered and he looked up at me in horror. "No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Stan, read it, just read it, please," he begged.

_**This means nothing**_

I blinked. "Okay, okay. Do you want to come in, Ike? You might want to wash your face. No offense."

_**Nothing at all**_

Ike shook his head vigorously. "No, no, no. I.. I need to deliver more letters..." He walked off in a hurry.

_**I used to think that I was strong**_

I stared at my envelope for a few moments, before slowly and carefully opening it. I unfolded the letter.

_**Until the day it all went wrong**_

_Hey Stan._

_**I think I need a miracle to make it through**_

_I think I can get most of what I want to tell you in two simple words._

_**Yeah**_

_I'm sorry._

_**I wish that I could bring you back**_

_You probably don't know this... But I'm dead. I drowned myself in my own bathtub. _

_**I wish that I could turn back time**_

I gasped and nearly dropped the letter. I figured the doorway, wasn't a good place to read it, so I ran upstairs. Once I was safely on my bed, by myself, I unfolded the letter a second time.

_**'Cause I can't let go**_

_I wanted to tell you something. You almost stopped me from taking my life. When I said I didn't know what I would do without you, you responded saying that you didn't know what you'd do without me either. You sounded so honest, and worried. I felt guilty for leaving you._

_**I just can't find my way**_

_But you'll be fine, Stan. You make friends really easily, you know that. You're a really nice guy and I was lucky to have known you. I love you, Stan, you were a great friend._

_**Yeah**_

_I know I'll probably never see you again. I'm going to Hell, and you have a mansion waiting for you in the clouds. But could you do me a favor? Do something for yourself every once in a while, okay?_

_**Without you I just can't find my way**_

_You might me wondering why I killed myself. Well. I might sound a bit like Tweek right here, but there was just so much pressure. All my friends thought I was the "smart one." I could tutor anyone in anything, and then they'd be doing fine in their classes._

_**In a perfect world**_

_It didn't work that way. The only reason I got the top grades is because I cared more than anyone else. My mom always compared me to Ike, who actually is a genius, and I tried to do beyond my best. Clearly, I was overworked._

_**This could never happen**_

_Let me tell you a secret, Stan: Not even you knew the real me. I don't hate Cartman. I'm not smart. I'm not nice. I'm not sympathetic. Actually, I'm surprisingly bitter. I'm just really good a faking. A lot of people thought that I was such a great person._

_**In a perfect world**_

_Honestly, I was one of worst people I knew. I'm probably worse than Cartman. Not probably, actually, I _am _worse than him. Do you know why? Because Cartman is an honest person. Yeah, he's an ass, but he doesn't try to hide it._

_**You'd still be here**_

_I regret that I'll never see you again, Stan. I've been thinking about suicide for years and years, but whenever I was about to do it, your face came to my mind. And I just couldn't._

_**And it makes no sense**_

_Because of the idea that it may or may not hurt you. I didn't want to do anything to ever hurt you. Dude, if I could re-do my life, I would change a lot. But I wouldn't change anything that ever happened with us, because those moments brought us to the amazing friendship that we have. Or... had. _

_**I could just pick up the pieces**_

I stopped reading. I wanted to finish the letter, and see what else Kyle had written. But my eyes were so blurred by tears that I couldn't see a thing. I collapsed onto my bed in hysterical crying. Kyle... dead... Why did it have to be _him_? Anyone else on the _planet _would have been a million times better...

_**But to you**_

_Stan, I truly pray that you secretly hated me. A lot of people think that would crush me, but that would ease my pain. To think that you're laughing at the letter, or just reading in with no emotion, that makes me feel better, strangely enough._

_**This means nothing**_

_Will you do me one last favor? My mom is going to cremate me. And she's going to give you some of my ashes. Spread them in all the places you can remember us hanging out. Do it alone, Stan. Okay?_

_**Nothing at all**_

_I love you, dude. Of course, I'm straight, so I mean that in the least gay way possible. Dude, I really love you. I don't think there's anyone I care about more than you._

_**I don't know what I should do now**_

_But you deserve a better friend. I tried, really, but nothing amounted to what an amazing person you are. _

_**I don't know where I should go**_

_I know you'll try and blame yourself for my suicide. Don't, Stan. It's not at all your fault. Nothing you ever did drove me to this. You are a great friend, an amazing person... _

_**I'm still here waiting for you**_

_I mean, who locks himself in his room with countless baby cows that were going to be turned into veal? Who can't shoot a bunny, even though it makes their uncle disappointed in them? Who comes back to a dangerous cult to save me? Who acts like a pioneer to save Kenny from dying yet again? Who does just about all they possibly can for everyone else, yet nothing for themselves?_

_**I'm lost when you're not around**_

_No one does those things. Only you. You're special, Stan. Don't ever change._

_**I need to hold on to you**_

_I just kind of wish that I could've seen you, just one last time. Stared into your eyes and told you just how much you mattered to me. You were most of the reason why I called you, Kenny, and Cartman. I just wanted to hear your voice, just once, before I left._

_**I just can't let you go**_

_I sound repetitive, don't I? Oh well. I want to make up for all the times we didn't have corny moments that would make Kenny and Cartman want to puke. Great image, right?_

_**Yeah, yeah**_

_Stan, it's not over just because I'm gone. Don't feel guilty for being happy, or having fun. I know you, Stan, and that's exactly how you react to anyone dying. I want you to know that, no matter what, you can and should still have those crazy adventures with Eric and Kenny. _

_**In a perfect world**_

_Hell, replace me if you want. Just like we did with Kenny in the fourth grade. You need and deserve a better "super best friend," if that's still what we call it. I don't know, we haven't said that since fourth grade, when everything else happened._

_**This could never happen**_

_Stan, I can't really think of anything else to say. I want to fill up 5 pages, but I'm just blanking... I mean, I almost assumed that I'd think of so many last things to tell you, but I just... I can't. I want to tell everything to you in person. But I'm READY to go. _

_**In a perfect world**_

_Stan, I'm only writing letters to you, Kenny, Bebe, Eric, and my mom and Ike. Otherwise, I wouldn't ever actually get to the part where I drown myself. And then I would have no use for all of these letters. Back to the point. Could you tell everyone something for me?_

_**You'd still be here**_

_Tell Butters that I wish him the best, and I know I was a jerk sometimes, but he was fun to hang out with. Tell Tweek that temporarily having him as a best friend was fun, and I'll miss his funny paranoid nature. Tell Wendy that I know she thought I didn't like her, but I thought she was pretty awesome, and you two are a great couple. _

_**And it makes no sense**_

_I guess that's all, Stan. So... this is... goodbye._

_**I could just pick up the pieces**_

_Don't forget me. Please. You can hate me for leaving like this, but I don't want to be remembered as "the kid that committed suicide in 12__th__ grade." Remember me as your old childhood best friend. Remember me as me, Stan. I love you, dude, and I'll miss you. Bye._

_**But to you**_

_Kyle_

_**This means nothing**_

Tears ran down my face, and I rushed out the door, downstairs, and outside. I ignored the calls of my sister, asking me what the hell I was doing. My feet pounded the ground as I ran, and ran, and ran. All the way to Stark's Pond.

_**Nothing at all**_

I collapsed on the bench by the shore, and tears flowed endlessly from my eyes. My heart was being crushed. My best friend had died, in the worst possible way. He had taken his own life. I'll never see his forest eyes again, not his fiery hair, nor hear his annoyed lectures.

_**Nothing, nothing at all**_

It was over. It was all over. The friendship I had had all my life died by a letter in my hands, and there was nothing I could ever do to fix it. This wasn't a bad fight I had gotten in with Kyle, or an argument over a girl we both liked. We couldn't hug and apologize.

_**Nothing at all**_

I stared at the glittery blue pond, my vision too blurred to see its beauty. I wish he could just come back, and tell me this was some sick prank. It's too bad I don't live in a **perfect world.**


	4. Believe

**Random and slightly pointless introduction**: There. I finally got through Cartman's chapter. I don't know why it was so hard to write his. Oh, and he mostly grew out of his asshole-ness. I just couldn't bring myself to make him an ass. I mean, he had to be all sad and worried, how can he be when he's so mean?

And I just like writing from Cartman's softer side. Watch "Major Boobage" if you think Eric doesn't have a soft side. Oh, then you'll see, my friends. Then you'll see.

I'm not particularly proud of this chapter. I struggled so much while writing it, so it didn't turn out to be the best thing I've written. But, hey, I tried, right?

**Warning: **Suicide and some swearing.

_**--------------------------------------------------------------**_

_**I don't ever want to believe**_

__In math, Craig leaned towards me. "Yo, Cartman, where's Kyle?"

_**I don't ever want to believe yeah**_

__I shrugged. "How the hell should I know?"

_**That when we die**_

__Craig shrugged right back. "He was acting really weird yesterday, and he's not here today. It's suspicious, you know?"

_**We all leave**_

__I glanced at him. "Did you get a call, too?"

_**Your innocence is not forgotten**_

__He raised an eyebrow, looking confused. "No... What do you mean?"

_**I hope you know that where you are I wish you well**_

__"Last night, me, Kenny and Stan all got weird calls from Kyle. He called me and said that I was one of his best friends and he really cared about me... It was weird, dude. And all day, he only called me Eric, too," I told him.

_**I hope you sleep in a perfect memory**_

__Craig frowned. "That _is _weird. And yesterday, he kept being so _nice _to everyone. Even Butters, Pip, and Tweek."

_**You know it's hard I tried**_

__"I know!" I replied, a little too loudly, but the teacher didn't notice. "You think something might be going on with him?"

_**I could never say goodbye**_

__Craig shrugged. "Wait, what if he ran away? And the calls, the niceness, the weirdness, all that was just his way of saying goodbye or something?"

_**I don't ever wanna believe**_

__I bit my lip. "It's possible, I guess. I hope he didn't run away."

----------

_**I don't ever wanna believe yeah**_

__I walked home from where the bus had dropped me off. My feet sunk about half an inch into the pure white snow. I thought about what Craig had said. It wasn't out of the realm of possibility that Kyle ran away. He had just seemed... distant the past month or so.

_**That when we die**_

__I'm pretty sure I was the only one who noticed the difference in Kyle behavior. Even Stan seemed oblivious to it. I mean, Kyle tried hard to fake it, I could tell. But something about his was just a bit off. He wasn't the same, if that makes sense.

_**We all leave**_

I kept on overhearing the teacher talking to him about how much his grades had fallen. He had stopped doing his homework, he didn't study, he ignored big projects. And that just wasn't like him.

_**I don't ever wanna let go**_

__Craig thinks he might've run away. I can't help thinking that it must be something bigger, more important, than that. If Kyle wanted to run away, he would've invited Kenny, Stan and I to come. I_ know_ he would've. But I just can't think of another reason for his weirdness.

_**I hope that you see yeah**_

__I walk toward my house and saw a familiar figure walking up the steps. It was Ike.

_**That there's a part of you that's left inside of me**_

__"Hey! Ike!" I ran over, and Ike spun around. He looked like a complete mess.

_**Yesterday just took me hostage**_

__"O-oh, h-hey Cartman," he said, almost stammering, but it sounded more like him voice was breaking off. Kind of like he had just been crying, or he was about to start crying.

_**Yesterday locked me away from any truth**_

__"Ike, how's your brother? Is he okay, he was acting a little weird yesterday, and-" I started.

_**And now tomorrow's here without you**_

__"Just read this," Ike interrupted, sticking out his hand. He was holding an envelope that had my name on it. "It's from Kyle."

_**I know it's hard I've tried**_

__I stared at him. "Ike? What is it? What happened to Kyle?"

_**But I could never say goodbye**_

__He didn't respond. "Just read it," he insisted, a tear running down his cheek.

_**I don't ever wanna believe**_

__My eyes narrowed. "What's going on, Ike?"

_**I don't ever wanna believe yeah**_

__He looked up at me, his eyes aching with sadness. "The letter explains it."

_**That when we die**_

__I took the letter out of his hand and opened the door to my house. I hesitated for a moment. "Ike, you wanna come in? No offense, but you look like you should wash your face."

_**That we all leave**_

__Ike bit his lip, looking tempted. "No, no, I... I have to go deliver these to Bebe and Kenny."

_**I don't ever wanna let go**_

__I nodded. "Okay, kid."

_**I hope that you see yeah**_

__He rushed away in a hurry and I walked up to my room. I leaned against the door. Since I didn't have a lock, and my mom never knocked, I wanted to make sure she couldn't open the door. I gently tore open the white envelope and pulled out the paper. I took a deep breath before unfolding it and starting to read.

_**That there's a part of you that's left inside of me**_

___Hey, Eric._

_**That there's a part of you that left inside**_

___I bet you think it's weird, me calling you Eric. I agree, it's a little weird. I don't know why, but I kind of felt like I should call you that. It's your name after all, and this is the last time I can call you ANYTHING._

_**I try to push you away**_

___Okay, I know you already figured out something was "off" with me. You figured out a long time ago. Well, now you get to know exactly what was- I use past tense, notice that- wrong with me. _

_**But you never push back**_

___I am depressed, paranoid, and mildly bipolar. Honestly, I have more problems than Tweek does. Kind of sad, isn't it? ...I really should've said I WAS depressed, paranoid, and mildly bipolar, and I also shoul've said that I HAD more problems._

_**You know I'll never forget you**_

___Do you know why, Eric? Because by the time you read this, I will have drowned myself in my bathtub. I'm sorry you had to find out about it like this. _

_**I never thought I'd say that**_

__I stopped reading for a moment. Then I looked back at the paper and reread that sentence over and over. "_Because by the time you read this, I will have drowned myself in my bathtub._" I... knew that there was something going on... But depression so deep that he had to turn to suicide? That's... so... not Kyle. I just couldn't believe it. I would believe it if Kenny killed himself, or Stan, or Wendy, or Bebe, or even Butters. But Kyle? No way. I kept reading.

_**You made a mess out of me**_

___I know you probably hate having to find out by reading my last words to you on a piece of paper. I know you, Eric, more than you think. I know you knew something was wrong. I could tell, just like you could tell with me. I also know that you never brought it up because you didn't want to seem like you were worried about me or something gay like that._

_**I don't ever wanna believe**_

___But you were worried, weren't you? I know we were never the best of friends, Eric. We fought so much. But we got better this year, didn't we? I like to think that we became closer, and only fought because of the force of habit. I hope you think the same thing, really. _

_**I don't ever wanna believe yeah**_

___You were important to me, Eric. All those times I said I hated you, I lied. I love you like a brother, dude. You probably think it's a gay thing to say, but it's true. I would help you if you were going through something, just like I would help Stan or Kenny or Bebe. _

_**That when we die**_

___You knew that though, right? I hope you did, man, I really hope you did. _

_**That we all leave**_

___That's really all I wanted to say... I'll miss you, dude. See you on the other side, if there is one._

_**I don't ever wanna believe**_

___Don't forget me. _

_**I don't ever wanna believe yeah**_

__I stared at that last sentence. What a stupid thing to say. I couldn't forget Kyle if I tried. He was just too special, too distinct, too memorable.

_**That when we die**_

___Oh, and Eric? Your mom's a whore and you're a fucking fatass._

_**That we all leave**_

___Sorry, it was my last chance to insult you. Ever._

_**I don't ever wanna let go**_

___Peace out, man. Maybe I'll see you again._

_**I hope that you see yeah**_

___Kyle_

_**That there's a part of you that's left inside of me**_

__Then something happened, and it shocked me. Tears stung my eyes and then flowed out in sobs, not even seconds later. I slammed my fist on the door, as hard as I possibly could. A loud crack followed, and then there was a slit down my door. But honestly, I couldn't care less. Kyle was dead, by taking his own life, and nothing else in the world mattered in any way to me. Anything could happen right now, and his letter would still be the only thing on my mind.

_**That there's a part of you that's left inside of me**_

__How did this even happen? Kyle, funny, weird, quirky Kyle, the one a fought with and fought with when we were kids, but we still hung out, no matter what.

_**That there's a part of you that's left inside of me**_

__He... he's not that kind of person. He wouldn't run away from life. He faced it, he stared it dead in the eye. If I thought of who in the grade would commit suicide, Kyle would be last on my list. Dead last. He just wasn't that kind of person, or at least, I never took him for that kind of person.

_**That there's a part of you that's left inside of me**_

__More tears streamed down my face. Sadness and realization were setting in. Kyle was gone. He was gone, and never coming back. There is no possible way that I'll never see him again and I find that so hard to **believe**...


	5. Hurt

**Random and slightly pointless introduction: **And this is Kenny's chapter. This chapter was surprisingly hard. I feel like I was kind of repetitive... I was doing it to take up space... This chapter took me longer than most of the others. It was fairly hard, but mostly, I was just lazy.

I was just watching "Smug Alert." I'm slightly insulted by this episode, but I like it anyway. Particularly how all the San Francisco kids are always high. Oh, and Cartman... "I swore I'd never set foot in San Francisco. God help me." Ah, how I laughed.

That had absolutely no relevance to this. But I really, really don't care.

**Warning: **Suicidal themes and swearing.

_**--------------------------------------------------------------------**_

_**Seems like it was yesterday **_

__I walked back to my house as slowly as possible. I never liked being at home. My parents were always drunk or just not there, so my brother and I had to basically do everything. It just wasn't very fun. At all.

_**When I saw your face**_

__I narrowed my eyes against the wind, thinking I saw someone in front of my house. "Ike?" I murmured to myself.

_**You told me how proud you were **_

__What was Kyle's brother doing _here_? I ran over to him. Maybe something happened with Kyle? "Hey, Ike. What are you doing on this side of town... and in front of my house... while crying... with some paper in your hands... Ike, what happened?"

_**But I walked away**_

__He looked up at me, his eyes filled with tears and a look of overwhelming sadness. "K-Kenny... I... Here." He thrust an envelope at me.

_**If only I knew what I know today**_

__I took it slowly. "Ike, what happened? Is there something wrong with Kyle?" I said, trying to keep my voice soft and sweet, and trying not to panic.

_**I would hold you in my arms**_

__He bit his lip in hesitation. Then he nodded. "Ye-yeah, there's s-something wrong w-w-with Kyle... Just... read the letter..." His voice sounded broken, like he'd screamed for hours.

_**I would take the pain away**_

__I blinked in sympathy. "Do you want to talk about, Ike? I'm always here, you know."

_**Thank you for all you've done**_

__He looked tempted, but he shook him head. "I-I... I have to..." He burst into tears.

_**Forgive all your mistakes**_

__I panicked a little, before putting my arm around Ike's shoulders. "Sh, sh, it's okay... It'll be okay, don't worry... Calm down..." I murmured to him.

_**There's nothing I wouldn't do**_

__He shook his head vigorously and pushed my away. "It's not okay! It never will be!" he cried before running away as fast as he could.

_**To hear your voice again**_

__I watched him run, confused. I shook my head and walked to Stark's Pond to read the letter. I sure as Hell wasn't going to read it in my house. I can't concentrate on anything with the yelling and screaming.

_**Sometimes I want to call you **_

__When I got to Stark's Pond, I saw Stan huddled on the bench, by himself. I ran over to him as quickly as possible. He looked as bad as Ike had, if not worse. He was just in a t-shirt, and if someone other that me, Kyle, or Eric had seen him, they would've thought he was trembling from the cold. But I could almost see his tears from here. This is what he did when Red broke up with him, when Sparky died, when Cartman was in the hospital... Basically, whenever something sad happened, this is what he did.

_**But I know you won't be there**_

__"Stan! Stan, what's wrong?" I asked, sitting down next to him and putting my hand on his shoulder. "Are you okay? What happened?"

_**I'm sorry for blaming you **_

__He looked up at me. I had never seen his eyes filled with such sorrow. "I- I..." His voice broke into sobs.

_**For everything I just couldn't do**_

__I put my arm around him. "It's okay, it's okay, you don't have to talk to me... It'll be okay... don't worry..."

_**And I've hurt myself by hurting you**_

__He looked at my hand and saw the envelope. "Y-you... haven't... opened yours?" he managed to choke out between the tears.

_**Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit**_

__I looked down. "Uh... No. I came here to read it without having flying objects around me."

_**Sometimes I just want to hide **_

__"R-read it... H-he wouldn't have wanted you to find out from me... J-just read the letter... It'll explain everything..." Stan whispered. His ocean-blue eyes had a pleading look in them, so I was happy to do whatever he wanted me to.

_**'Cause it's you I miss**_

__"Okay, Stan. I'll read it," I murmured gently and soothingly. I opened it making the least amount of noise possible and pulled out the letter.

_**You know it's so hard to say goodbye **_

___Hey, Kenny. _

_**When it comes to this**_

___So... I guess I should tell you what this whole thing is about. I killed myself. Sorry, dude. You must hate me for this. You were always so against the wallowing-in-self-pity, only-way-out-is-dying, my-life-is-a-dark-abyss shit. _

_**Would you tell me I was wrong?**_

___Take care of Stan for me, will you? I won't ask much of you, since you already do too much. I could always tell you spent too much time worrying about us. Spend more time on yourself, man. You deserve it, and God knows you need it._

_**Would you help me understand?**_

___Don't stay in South Park forever, Kenny. You're better than that. I know you can make something out of yourself. Prove your family and this stupid, fucking town wrong, okay? Don't become your dad. Please. That's the one thing I really, really need you to do. You've come this far. You're be the first McCormick to graduate high school. Don't stop there. I don't care if you go to Yale or community college. Any college at all is fine. Just go to one, okay? _

_**Are you looking down upon me?**_

___Kenny, what I said on the phone... I meant it. I'm so proud of you. Really._

_**Are you proud of who I am?**_

___I love you, man. I'll miss you so much. I wish I had told you that more often... You really deserve to know just how much you mean to me. I would take a fucking bullet for you. You're one of my best friends ever, and don't you ever forget that. _

_**There's nothing I wouldn't do**_

___Kenny... I really will miss you..._

_**To have just one more chance**_

___I'm sitting here, in my bathroom, and I was just thinking how much I wish I could've seen you... Just one last time. But the bathtub is full, and I've already written several letters. I've been planning this, Ken. _

_**To look into your eyes **_

___Morbid, aren't I?_

_**And see you looking back**_

___Listen, dude... I can't bear the thought of Stan being sad... Comfort him if he is, okay? For me? I can't be there to help him through tough breakups and failed tests so... I need you to help him instead. I know it's a lot to ask, but... It's one of two last things I want you to do... _

_**I'm sorry for blaming you **_

___Kenny, please don't cry for me either. I haven't seen you cry since fourth grade and I'd hate to think that I could've made you cry. That hurts me more than the thought that it's possible you don't even care at all._

_**For everything I just couldn't do**_

___I can't think of anything else to say. _

_**And I've hurt myself**_

___Kenny, don't change. You're an amazing person. _

_**If I had just one more day **_

___I was lucky to be your friend. Hell, I was lucky to know you at all._

_**I would tell you how much that**_

___Bye, Kenny. I wish you the best of luck with the rest of your hopefully long life._

_**I've missed you since you've been away**_

___Kyle_

_**Oh, it's dangerous**_

__I put my hand over my mouth, an attempt- an attempt that was in vain- to cover the sob. Stan looked up at me, his eyebrows curved upwards in sadness. "You finished reading it?" he mumbled softly, his voice coated with misery and despair.

_**It's so out of line to try to turn back time**_

__I nodded, unable to speak. The second one tear escaped my eye, I was sobbing uncontrollably. I tried to hold it back, desperately. "K-Kyle... I'm le-letting h-him down..." I weeped. "H-he said... he di-didn't wa-want... me to cr-cry..."

_**I'm sorry for blaming you **_

__Stan put his arms around me and sobbed into my shoulder, as I bawled pitifully into his. He sniffed several times, before controlling himself just enough to say something. "H-he probably kn-knew that y-you would cry a-anyway... I-it's okay, Ken..." He burst out crying again.

_**For everything I just couldn't do**_

__I swallowed my tears as best as I could, putting my arms around Stan consolingly. Kyle wanted me to comfort Stan, and I didn't want to let him down. Besides, Stan really needed me. He had just lost his best friend. I _had _to be strong for him. 

_**And I've hurt myself**_

__I wonder what was going on in Kyle's head in those last few moments. Did he regret his choice? Was he thinking of what he'd miss? Was he wondering how people would react? Was he thinking of Eric, Stan and I?

_**By hurting you**_

__I felt a sharp pain in my chest, where my heart was. Kyle was gone, forever. It just hit me that I'll probably never see him again. How could this have happened? I don't think I'll ever get rid of this overwhelming **hurt.**


	6. Half Alive

**Random and slightly pointless introduction: **Here's another chapter! So, Bebe and Kyle have been dating since ninth grade. And apparently they were crazy in love. I like that couple. It makes me a happy person. I don't know why. I just like them.

AND THIS SONG!!!

Well, this is the last letter... Should I write another chapter? If yes, what should I write?

**Warning **Suicide.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

_**It's four AM, I'm waking up to your perfume **_

__I got to school and took my place in my first period class. Normally, Kyle would be sitting in the seat to my right, but he wasn't there. I got confused. He was _never _late, and even when he was sick, he still came to school usually. Why wasn't he here?

_**Don't get up, I'll get through on my own**_

__I glanced around the room, looking for Stan, or Kenny, or even Cartman. "Kenny!" I whisper-shouted.

_**I don't know if I'm home**_

__He turned to look at me. "What is it, Bebe?" he replied.

_**Or if I lost the way into your room**_

__"Do you know where Kyle is?" I asked, biting my lip in slight worry.

_**I'm spiraling into my doom**_

__He shook his head. "Stan, Cartman, and I were at the bus-stop, but he never showed."

_**I'm feeling half-alive**_

__I frowned. "I'm worried. Even if he is just sick, it has to be really bad... Even when he had an 100 degree fever, he still came to school..."

_**But I know one day, you and I will be free**_

__Kenny nodded, with a strange look in his eyes. "I hope he's okay..."

----------

_**To live and die by our own rules, free**_

__I sat on my bed, staring at a picture of Kyle and I from last year. He had held the camera. It took about seven tries to get a picture of both of us that wasn't cut off or blurry. But it was worth the frustration. This picture is perfect. He has his arm around me, and a cute lop-sided smile. I was winking at the camera, hugging him from the side. I remember that day...

_**Despite the fact that men are fools**_

___I slipped on my ice-skates and got onto the frozen pond. "Kyle! Get over here!" I giggled, skating in loops._

_**I'm almost alive**_

___"I'm coming! If you'd help me get these damn things on, I'd be there!" he called back, smiling happily. He didn't even have on ice-skate on yet because he was struggling so much. _

_**And I need you to try and save me**_

___"That's what you get for being cheap! You need new ones, those are too small for you," I replied, showing off my fairly good figure skating. I jumped in the air and landed gracefully, sliding backwards. I twirled a little and then just skated around._

_**It's okay that we're dying **_

___I slid close to where he was. "It's not as fun without you falling everywhere!" I pouted._

_**But I need to survive tonight, tonight**_

___He laughed. "I don't fall, you push me."_

_**Well, excuse me while I get killed softly**_

___I giggled and jumped again. This time, I landed on some weak ice. It crumbled beneath me and I shrieked as I fell into the freezing water. "Kyle!" I screamed._

_**Heart slows down and I can hardly tell you I'm okay**_

___His eyes flashed and he threw his ice-skates to the side. "Bebe!" he shouted. _

_**At least till yesterday**_

___He ran over onto the ice, slipping a little, before reaching the hole I had fallen in. His green eyes were panicked as I struggled to stay at the surface. He grabbed my arm and- with incredible force- pulled me onto stable ice._

_**You know, you caught me off my highest guard**_

___He pulled the soaked jacket I was wearing off and replaced it with his dry one, even though all he had was a t-shirt under it. He carefully picked me up. I clung to his warm chest. "Are you okay?" he murmured softly into my ear._

_**Believe me when I say it's hard**_

___I nodded weakly and he carried me back to my house. My parents had never really liked him much. Before they even knew we were dating, they caught us, about to have sex. They had banned me from ever seeing him again, but it didn't work. But once they found out he'd saved my life, they "approved" of him._

_**We'll get through this tonight**_

__I smiled warmly in memory of that. I'd never had a boyfriend who would've done all that for me before. I remember that once I was warm and safe in my bed, Kyle had come up ad said, "_Next time we ice-skate, it's going to be either never, or in the dead middle of winter."_

_**And I know one day, you and I will be free**_

__The doorbell rang. _Maybe it's Kyle, _I hoped to myself, swiftly going to the door and opening it. Ike stood in front of me, his black hair in a mess, and his eyes bloodshot and puffy. He looked up at me, clearly unaware that he looked like a sad, lost puppy. "Um, Ike? What happened? Is it Kyle?"

_**To live and die by our own rules, free**_

__He looked like he was choking back tears. "Yeah... It's Kyle..." He handed me an envelope.

_**Despite the fact that men are fools**_

__I looked at it. It was sealed carefully. My name was on the front in Kyle's handwriting. "What's this?"

_**I'm almost alive**_

__"Just read it," Ike murmured, before rushing off toward his house.

_**And I need you to try and save me**_

__I watched him leave in confusion, but I shook it off. I looked down at the envelope and bit my lip nervously. What was Ike so upset about? What happened to Kyle? Why was there a letter for me? I slowly opened the envelope and read the letter.

_**It's okay that we're dying**_

___Hey, Bebe,_

_**But I need to survive tonight, tonight**_

___It's hard to say this. Really hard..._

_**And you touch my hand ever so slightly**_

___I'm dead, Bebe. I killed myself. Last night. _

_**Girl, not ready for this yet**_

__I gasped in disbelief and drew my hand up to my mouth.

_**And the deadly look she casts upon me**_

___I'm sorry, Bebe. Really, I am. I love you, and I wish we could've spent more time together... But I wasn't happy. My mom had my life planned ahead of me. She wanted me to take my dad's place, be a lawyer. She probably wanted me to live at home forever, too. It wasn't what I wanted._

_**I won't regret, I won't regret**_

___Actually, Bebe, I know exactly what I wanted. I would've proposed to you on graduation day if I hadn't ended my life. I wonder what you would've said... _

_**I won't regret, I won't regret...**_

___You meant so much to me Bebe, I hope you believe me. Just because I'm leaving doesn't mean I'm not in love with you. I know you're going to try and find a way to blame yourself. _

_**And I was trying to disappear**_

___Please, please don't. Go on living. Go to college. I know you weren't sure what you wanted to do with your life yet, but figure it out. You don't need me, Bebe. You'll do fine without me. You're strong, smart, beautiful, and nice. You can do whatever you want. Trust me. There's nothing you can't do. _

_**But you got me wrapped around you**_

___Remember our first real kiss (real meaning I'm not counting that day in fourth grade when we were playing truth or dare)? It was in ninth grade... Clyde had just broken up with you and you were crying by Stark's Pond. Red and I had gotten in a fight, and I was blowing off steam. I went to comfort you._

_**I can hardly breathe without you**_

___We stayed there for hours. It got dark. I think we were there until ten o'clock. I said bye to you, and you leaned over and kissed me. I was so surprised. You whispered, "I just wanted to know how it felt." And then you walked away._

_**I was trying to disappear**_

___I didn't tell you this, but I stayed there for half an hour after you left. I thought I had really liked Red, but something about kissing you was so... different. So much better. I never looked Red in the eye again after that. Not out of guilt, but for fear I would realize that there was nothing between me and her anymore. _

_**But I got lost in your eyes now**_

___You know the rest. A month passed, and I finally broke up with her and asked you out... _

_**You brought me down to size now**_

___Now I'm crying. I already miss you so much... I wish I could just kiss you one last time before I go. I'm really sorry I can't. I love you, Bebe. _

_**I'm almost alive**_

___Don't wait to start dating again, please. Don't get me wrong, the thought of you going out with another guy kills me, but the thought of you crying for me hurts me even more. _

_**And I need you to try and save me**_

___Since it's my last chance to say it... I love you, Bebe, with all my heart, I am completely and totally in love with you, and I wouldn't change a single moment we spent together. Goodbye, sweetheart. I'll miss you so much._

_**It's okay that we're dying**_

___Love, Kyle_

_**But I need to survive tonight, tonight, tonight**_

__My heart skipped a beat and tears flowed down my cheeks and onto the floor. I clutched the letter as if my life depended on it. I kind of felt like my life _did _depend on it.

_**I'm almost alive**_

__This was all so much to take in... Kyle was dead? He _killed himself? _I... could hardly breathe... How could I have let this happen? I was his girlfriend, I should've noticed something... It was my fault. I could've helped him...

_**And I need you to try and save me**_

__I collapsed against the front door and sobbed. He _can't _be gone... My heart felt like it hard been thrown against a wall until it shattered into over a million pieces. Kyle, my Kyle, was... dead... My heart ached as I thought of him.

_**It's okay that we're dying**_

__He was my first real love... And I was sure that he'd be my last, too. Few people were as lucky as me, to fall so in love with their high school sweethearts. And he was in love with me too. But now... it was all gone...

_**But I need to survive tonight, tonight...**_

__If he had lived to propose... I would've said yes. Without him, I only feel **half alive.**


	7. The Show Must Go On

**Random and slightly pointless introduction: **Last chapter! Yay, another finished story! I'm so proud of myself! ...Why do I only manage finish one-shots and suicide stories?

Anyway, thanks to **Reaching-For-The-Moon **for the brilliant idea of doing a timeskip. Yay you!

And thanks to everyone who reviewed this story =D Your reviews made me feel warm and fuzzy inside.

Now read the corniness!!

**Warning: **Suicide. If you can't handle that... then how did you get this far in the story???

--------------------------------------------------------------

_Ike_

_**Empty spaces - what are we living for?**_

__I sat, my classmates around me. It was my high school graduation. I looked into the crowd to see the measly amount of people that were sitting there for me. It was only my mom. I felt tears sting my eyes as I thought of the two others that should be there. My dad and Kyle.

_**Abandoned places - I guess we know the score...**_

__It hurt to think of them, particularly since this was this was the four year anniversary since Kyle's death. Four years, and whenever I closed my eyes, all I could see was still the cold, dead body of my brother, surrounded by hazy water.

_**On and on**_

__Awful nightmares had been happening almost every night. It was just the same thing that had happened that terrible morning. I relived it every single time I went to sleep. The worst part was that the horror of seeing his body didn't shake me awake. I just sat there in my dreams, unable to stop staring at the sight, just like that day.

_**Does anybody know what we are looking for?**_

__"...a speech, from our valedictorian, Ike Broflovski!" I heard the dean say. A feeble and forced applause broke out as I got up and headed to the stand.

_**Another hero - another mindless crime**_

__"Hey, everyone," I began. "I have to say, we may be the closest class ever. I know everyone's favorite color, their middle names, and the things that they did that we'll never tell our parents about."

_**Behind the curtain, in the pantomime**_

__A small laugh followed that, and I continued with my speech. "We'll never forget each other, nor the wonderful moments we've had together. Good and bad, of course. I can honestly say that I'll remember each and every one of you. There are a few people that I wish were here right now to see this moment that signifies us going into adulthood." Tears escaped my eyes, and I'm sure people thought it was because I'd miss my classmates.

_**Hold the line**_

__"So one last thing... We're finally going to college!" I summoned up the unwanted enthusiasm for that last sentence, and my class cheered happily.

_**Does anybody want to take it anymore?**_

_Kyle, can you see me right now?_

_----------_

_Stan_

_**The Show must go on...**_

__As I did every year on this day, I walked to the bus-stop where Cartman, Kenny, Kyle and I spent so many moments together. Memories flood me whenever I come, and so does overwhelming sadness. This was the place where I sprinkled the most of Kyle's ashes.

_**The Show must go on, yeah**_

__I sat down in the snow, ignoring the cold the wrapped around me. Tears slid down my face and landed on the white powder, making tiny holes. I missed Kyle so much... He was the best friend I'd ever had and... I just wish he could be here right now.

_**Inside my heart is breaking**_

__I graduated college last week. My family was there to watch, along with Cartman and Kenny. I kept staring at the crowd. I prayed with all my heart that I might see a glimpse of the ghost of Kyle. I though it might be possible. After all, weirder things had happened. But I never saw his face in the crowd.

_**My make-up may be flaking**_

__I guess it was a silly thing to hope for, though...

_**But my smile still stays on...**_

__My mind went blank for a moment as the last words Kyle ever said to me echoed in my head. _Goodbye, Stan Marsh._

_**Whatever happens, I'll leave it all to chance**_

__I slipped my hand into my pocket, gently touching the suicide letter he had wrote to me.

_**Another heartache - another failed romance**_

___Kyle, can you see me right now?_

_----------_

_Eric_

_**On and on**_

__I sat alone in my room, staring at the ceiling. Tomorrow was my college graduation. And today was the four year anniversary of Kyle's death.

_**Does anybody know what we are living for?**_

__Ever year, I keep hoping that I'm over it. I keep hoping that it'll just be a sad, forgotten time in my past. I'll just think of it as the time a close friend took his own life.

_**I guess I'm learning**_

__It never happens. Every year, on this day, I never talk to anyone. I sit alone, and lock my door. My roommate had caught on to this, and just wasn't ever here on this particular day anymore. He didn't really understand, but it didn't matter as long as he left me alone.

_**I must be warmer now...**_

__I pulled open the drawer in my bedside table. There was _the _envelope with _the _letter inside. I touched it gently and sighed.

_**I'll soon be turning round the corner now.**_

__I had tried so many times to get rid of the letter. I thought it might be easier to get over his death if I didn't have it. Makes sense, I guess.

_**Outside the dawn is breaking,**_

__Obviously, I never did get rid of it. Every time I feel like I can finally do it, I open the drawer and see his handwriting. The last thing he'd ever written to me. The last thing I'd ever hear from him. I could hardly touch it without crying, let alone try to part with it.

_**But inside in the dark I'm aching to be free**_

__I opened the drapes and stared at the clouds. _Kyle, can you see me right now?_

_----------_

_Kenny_

_**The Show must go on**_

__I rolled off my bed and yawned lazily before getting up. I glanced at the calender and had to look twice. Today was the four year anniversary of...

_**The Show must go on, yeah**_

__Of _that day. _Tears stung my eyes viciously before streaming down. My lip trembled and I closed my eyes. Kyle...

_**Ooh, inside my heart is breaking**_

__Every time it was the anniversary of _that day, _I always felt like I was reliving it. The sorrow would always come ripping back and I would always spend all day with tears in my eyes. I couldn't leave my room without someone putting there hand on my shoulder and telling me it would be okay.

_**My make-up may be flaking**_

__I wish they wouldn't do that. I _know _it won't be okay. No matter how many years pass, it won't change the fact that he's dead. I can get used to his death, but I can't get over it.

_**But my smile still stays on**_

__I'll never be able to get over the fact that I'll never see his eyes staring into mine again. It still hurts that he took his life away. I can't even hate someone for his death, because the only people I can blame are myself and him.

_**Yeah, oh oh oh**_

__I just can't bear it. I prefer the feelings of anger, hatred, and fury over the feelings of sadness and helplessness.

_**My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies,**_

__I hate people who try to tell me they know how I feel. They _don't _know how I feel, and they never will.

_**Fairy tales of yesterday, will grow but never die,**_

__I went to my closet and pulled a shoebox from the back. I slowly opened it, like I do every year, and I took out the picture. Me and Kyle were grinning madly at the camera, arms slung around each other's shoulders.

_**I can fly, my friends**_

__My fingertips brushed his smiled. _Kyle, can you see me right now?_

_----------_

_Bebe_

_**The Show must go on, yeah**_

__Every year__is the same.

_**The Show must go on**_

__I wake up with about three seconds of happy ignorance, but then I remember what day I just woke up to.

_**I'll face it with a grin**_

__Tears sting my eyes until I'm sobbing uncontrollably into my pillow. I mope for a few hours in my room, not leaving my bed.

_**I'm never giving in**_

__I take the beautifully decorated square box out from under my bed and open it.

_**On with the show**_

I take out all the pictures and love letters, one by one. Examining each item carefully, savoring each word of the cute notes that we had passed in class...

_**I'll top the bill**_

This year was no different, except instead of stopping and putting everything back when I got to the last letter, _that _letter, I pulled it out and reread it. My vision was so blurred from the tears, and I added more stains to the paper as salty water dripped from my eyes.

_**I'll overkill**_

_Don't wait to start dating again, please. _Those words caught my eye. What a laugh.

_**I have to find the will to carry on**_

I haven't so much as considered another guy since he took his life.

_**On with the...**_

__I had had the option of dating again. But I always turned them down. If they ever asked why, I'd just say "My first love committed suicide in twelfth grade." After that got around a bit, no guy at my college asked me out.

_**On with the show**_

__I know that if Kyle could see me now, he'd be disappointed. He said that he wanted me to go on with my life, be happy, find the strength to get over him... Instead, I pathetically cry myself to sleep every night, thinking of his green eyes.

_**The Show must go on...**_

___Kyle, can you see me right now?_


End file.
